How To Get Over A Breakup When You Still Love Them

an heartbroken and frustrated girl

Breakups are surely painful, and may seem like the end of everything, but they are definitely not. They are like bridges that must be crossed at one point or the other by almost everyone. According to a journal published in sagepub by Carin Perilloux and David M. Buss – Psychologists from the university of Texas at Austin:

 

Over 85% of adult Americans have experienced at least one breakup of a romantic relationship.

 

This is to tell you that you are not alone in this and that the world is not crumbling around you. In fact, most breakups turn out to be blessings in disguise and can surprisingly be the end of our misery or the beginning of the best things that could ever happen to us.

 

This post will go over everything about breakups, including the feelings, the dos and don’ts after a breakup, the stages of healing after a breakup, and how to recover quickly, regain your happiness, and finally move on from the painful occurrence.

 

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How Does Breakups Feel Like?

I’m guessing you feel the same way as I do. Breakups take away our ability to love someone else in the same way we did before, they make us feel betrayed, and we then extend our loss of trust to those around us; it feels like a nightmare from which we wish we could wake up, but it is not, and it is happening in reality.

 

girl emotionally traumatized

 

That is when you wonder why this is happening, what caused it, who is to blame, what you should have done differently, and where to begin again. The silent rhetorical questions seem to never end, and you feel a mixture of love and hatred for your ex-partner.

 

You feel ashamed and begin to avoid social gatherings in order to avoid questions about ‘what happened between you and your ex’ from everyone who knew the two of you as romantic partners prior to the breakup. Another terrible thing that no one wants to go through is the loneliness and regret that comes with a breakup.

 

You try everything you can to bring them back and get things back to normal by apologizing and sending your friends to try their luck as well, but nothing works and you begin to doubt your worth – that’s when reality sets in and you realize they’re gone for good.

 

Stages Of Breakup.

According to Dr. Andrea Liner of flux psychology, understanding the five stages of grief, such as breakup, is a good place to start when coping with it.

Denial / Shock

This is said to be the stage where your brain tries to protect you from pain by denying the bad news and pretending that the event never happened, but of course, you knew the relationship was over but it just hasn’t sunk in yet and it feels hard to believe at the moment, so you cling to false reality instead.

 

Anger

You’ve returned to reality and are beginning to accept the fact that what happened actually happened, leading you to be angry at the people or situations surrounding the event; in the case of a breakup, you’ll be angry at your ex and everyone else who contributed to the relationship because you believe they contributed to your current pain.

 

Bargaining / Regret

You can now do anything to try to reach a compromise on the incident and bring them back. You make promises to do better if they could just return, knowing full well that they won’t.

 

Depression

When it becomes clear that they will never be able to return to their previous state, depression sets in, causing them to become silent, refuse to eat, refuse to converse, and prefer to be alone in their bedroom with their pillow.

 

Acceptance

This is the point at which one finally accepts that some things are simply beyond our control and that what has happened cannot be undone, allowing them to move on with their lives. At this point, the individual becomes more calm and emotionally stable.

 

A young man who just experienced breakup being comforted by his dad
Credit: Kindel Media

 

Things To Do After A Breakup To Feel Better.

 

Let Your Emotions Out.

Do not try to suppress your emotions to make yourself feel strong or mature. If you feel like crying, go into your bedroom, lock your door, cry it out and then wash your face afterwards. It’s always healthy that way.

 

Watch Movies.

Now that you’re experiencing your most lonely period in a long time, it’s a great idea to binge watch those movies your friends have been telling you about and have fun; it will always help.

 

Change Location Temporarily.

Another option is to take a vacation and leave your current location for a short period of time to clear your mind and meet new people.

 

Learn New Dance Steps.

Learning new dance steps can be enjoyable and can help you get out of a funk faster than you can imagine because dance is a joy in and of itself. You don’t need to enroll in a dance academy; you can easily download dance tutorials and practice right in your bedroom.

 

Unfollow Your Ex.

It’s critical to unfollow your ex for your own mental health; you don’t want to be in a situation where everything is almost back to normal and you see their post with another partner pop up on your phone; this could send you back to the point where you recently struggled to escape.

 

Give Your Room A New Look.

Another way to keep yourself busy and easily let go of the recent trauma in your head is to restructure your room during your leisure time to make it look more beautiful.

 

Listen To Music Loudly.

Yeah! Get rid of the emotional stress and free your mind. Fasten your door lock; turn up the music to 11; and dance freely within the corners of your room.

 

Dress Smarter.

You don’t have to make it obvious that you’ve recently ended a relationship; in fact, you should be more deliberate about how you dress this time around than you were before. Dress smartly and attractively; doing so boosts your confidence and self-esteem.

 

Start A New Skincare Routine.

Consider purchasing some skincare products and starting your daily routine. You may do it for the sake of fun or for the end result – glowing skin; both are beneficial, and you are aware of this.

 

Practice Relaxation Techniques.

Relaxation  techniques helps to calm your nerves and relieve stress; practicing relaxation techniques such as constant deep breathing and meditation can be extremely beneficial after a breakup.

 

Spend More Time Outdoors.

Staying indoors all day long increases your chance of being moody. It is far more advisable and healthy to engage in more outdoor activities and benefit from the wonderful daylight. Accept that they are gone and hope for a better person in their place. Remember that life is full of ups and downs.

 

Consider Therapy.

If things aren’t getting better and you don’t seem to be able to carry out the activities listed above, consider having session with a breakup/divorce therapist.

 

Things Not To Do After a Breakup.

 

Don’t Post It On Social Media.

No, you shouldn’t post it on your wall; that’s a ‘childish’ mistake that most people make, and it’s something you should avoid. You shouldn’t even be in a hurry to change your relationship status; simply leave things alone.

 

Don’t Stalk.

You don’t need to track their online or offline activities after the breakup; doing so will only make you feel worse. You simply need to concentrate on yourself and forget about them for the time being. Going after them may result in you being broken numerous times as a result of their updates, which you do not want to happen.

 

Don’t Stay Long In The Past.

The past is gone, and the future hasn’t happened yet, so don’t waste your time ruminating on what went wrong or what you should have done differently. Gather your wits and move on.

 

Don’t Date Their Friend.

Some people believe that dating their ex’s friend after a breakup will make their ex feel jealous; however, this is not always the case. First, it is not generally acceptable; second, you may be hurt again if they, in one way or the other, decide to cooperate against you.

 

Don’t Do Drugs Or Alcohol.

The pain is real, and you can take whatever you want to numb it, but avoid drugs and alcohol because they have numerous side effects.

 

The pain is real, and you can take whatever you want to numb it, but avoid drugs and alcohol Click To Tweet

 

Don’t Scroll Through Past Chats.

To alleviate the pain and quickly feel better, avoid scrolling back up and reading the chat from the beginning or looking at their photos or photos of you two together. In fact, you should have it deleted or temporarily archived, else, you might emotionally break down many times.

 

Don’t Plan A Revenge.

Let what’s gone be forgotten. Don’t try to make them “pay for it” there’s actually no revenge as complete as forgiveness.

To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you – Lewis B. Smedes.

 

Don’t Share/Expose Their Secrets.

You don’t need to bring shame upon them, even if you have the ability to do so; instead, let it go and wish them a good life. That is what distinguishes you as superior, as well as the definition of maturity.

 

Don’t Remain Friends.

Or, at the very least, before you continue to be friends with them, set aside your feelings for them and ask yourself if you really want to be with them again because, believe me, friends can easily turn into partners.

 

Romantic partners breaking up and parting ways
Credit: Alena Darmel

 

Don’t Plan Making It Your Last.

Breakups are part of life, but that doesn’t mean you should give up on love and never date again. Instead, pull yourself together and look for a better partner, but be extra cautious this time.

 

How Long Does It Take To Get  Over A Breakup?

The time it takes to recover from a breakup varies from person to person, and there is no universally accepted time frame. While the intensity and duration of a relationship can be a good way to calculate the time it takes to recover from a breakup, it may not be used as a metric for others.

 

For example, some people may become emotionally shattered in a relationship that is only two months old, whereas others may recover quickly after a five-year relationship. However, the single most common reason why people stay in grief longer after a breakup is because they believe their ex will change his or her mind and return to them.

 

It’s fine to wait for them to change their minds about the relationship and return. However, if you are certain that they are gone and will never return, it is time to start bracing yourself up for another relationship. There are many wonderful people out there who can prove themselves to be better than your ex if you give them the chance.

 

Remember that thinking about your ex or crying about what happened will not make them return to you; it will only prolong your sadness. When you accept this simple truth, you will be able to move on quickly and easily.

 

How To Stop Hurting And Move On After A Breakup.

It’s okay to cry and hurt when the wound is fresh, but you don’t want to keep doing so for the sake of your health. One of the questions you should ask yourself is whether they are truly worth the pain they are currently causing you.

 

Red flags are visible early on, but the ‘love veil’ obscures our vision and prevents us from pointing them out. Now is the time to be honest with yourself and accept that they’re not coming back, and even if they do out of pity, they’ll leave eventually.

 

When you let go of the illusion that you can still re-establish contact with your ex, the real healing process begins. You don’t even need to wait for them to explain why they left because there will never be enough explanation to justify them abandoning you in such anguish.

 

When you let go of the illusion that you can still re-establish contact with your ex, the real healing process begins. Click To Tweet

 

  • Accept
  • Let Go
  • Focus On Your Recovery
  • Spend Time With Family
  • Care No More About Them
  • Practice The Do’s And Don’ts Listed Above

 

Conclusion On Overcoming A Breakup.

Accept that they are gone, forgive them for hurting you, but what you don’t want to do is beg for something that doesn’t want to stay; otherwise, you’ll keep begging indefinitely for them to remain in love with you or until you get tired, which will eventually lead to what you’re trying to avoid now – a breakup.

 

Make a list of what you will do differently in your next relationship based on the mistakes you made and the lessons you learned from the relationship. You’ll heal, get over them, and your days will be bright again; you can doubt now, but that day will come.

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